My posts have been spotty lately. That’s because I’ve been going through another wave of pain, trying to work out all the different feelings that came crashing down all at once. Normally, I would have written them down here and shared with you… because a big reason for me to write this blog is to hopefully touch someone’s heart by letting them know “Hey, someone else has these problems, too. You are not alone.” But this time around, everything was so overwhelming that I just wanted to run away from it and not deal with it at all. I still don’t quite know how to put this feelings-meltingpot into words because during the last 2 weeks, I’ve been going through a roller coaster.
On the upside, I found a group of friends, which is awesome, but they’re only available on Skype later at night because they’re scattered all over the U.S. I love them and they have become a safe haven after such a short time of knowing them already. I am glad I have them, they do lift me up. Because I am so happy to be with them though, I’ve spent too many nights up late, which has really messed with my body. I’ve been too tired, which isn’t helping my overall situation. And instead of getting some extra work done at night, I “flee” from my responsibilities into this group where life can be good for the moment. I haven’t learned to adjust that yet.
On the downside, I’ve talked to Christopher’s dad, who, yet again, re-decided what he wants to do with his future. His change of plans took my hopes of soon living nearby Christopher and share custody 50-50 out of the picture. It was a completely devastating moment to the point of considering breaking down. This is all I’ve been hoping and praying for and it was taken away in an instant. Dealing with this change is the hardest right now.
Words Can Break You Down
More bad news came from another person close to me. I was told that I have no class, for a very silly reason too personal to share. That statement, though, really hit home. Because this person is close to me, they know how to “hit home,” which made it even worse. I’ve spent the past 2.5 years rebuilding my life and doing everything in my power to live a good and appropriate life, to have a proper standing in society and provide the best life possible for my son. I’ve fought really hard to keep it together, to move forward, to not break down, and to fight on. I am very proud of myself for mastering my life the way I have. To then be told by a person close to you that you have no class is a striking blow. I shouldn’t give that person so much power over my thinking, because what they say is not true. But that’s what happens when someone close hurts you.
And that whole no-class incident made me rethink my entire thinking and where I’ve let my life “slide” these past couple of weeks. And I realized how much work I have to do and that I need to pick it back up and keep moving while putting the pieces together, not slacking and letting them sit by the roadside. It would be nice to do that for a while, but I don’t have the luxury to.
Too Many Jobs
Also, I’ve taken on too much volunteer work in addition to too much paid work I have to do to make ends meet. I am going to be working three jobs come September. Granted, two of them are teaching German for a few hours on two days during the week, which is not overwhelming. But it’s still work and it’s still a commitment. And it feels like I have no more time to breath because I am constantly on the run. And because of that third job, I have to stop going to my single parents group at church because it’s on the same night. This group has become an anchor for me to lift me up and give me strength. And now I have to give it up because I need the money from this third job.
And volunteer work comes on top of that… when I really just want to go home, curl up and do nothing at this point. I still take on too much. I have learned to curb it, but nonetheless, I want to be involved in what I love… and I can’t stop myself from overloading myself with extra work. Being involved is great, but over-committing is not a good thing either.
And Another Move
On top of it all, I have a move coming up. I may have mentioned before that I am currently living with my ex-boyfriend. We moved in together over a year ago, and then realized that we were not meant to be together and broke things off. But we remained in the house together due to our contract obligations. Now it’s time to move out and move on. Since I hate moving, and I try to avoid change at all cost right now, I am anything but happy about this situation. I am happy I get to move out because I know it’s necessary to move on. But I do love my house, I love my neighborhood… it has become home. And now I have to move in a month and I still don’t know where to. And I just really really hate moving. I’ve had to move too many times these last 10 years.
And while all of this is going on, I find myself jealous over things I shouldn’t be jealous of. I find myself wanting things I shouldn’t or can’t have. I find myself crying too much when I need to be strong, and I realize that a lot of things are going to be changing in the next month and I am not ready for all that change – again.
I went on a first date with a guy last weekend, which I also decided to call my last date with him. As fun as it was, and as good as it felt to not feel alone, it turns out he’s too much of a project himself right now… and I can’t add any more projects to my life as it is. I have quite enough to juggle on my own, I can’t bring in someone else’s projects. I haven’t told him yet. I don’t even know if I have to tell him after one date – it’s not like it’s breaking up. I have not been in the dating scene for 10 years, and before that, I was so young, I didn’t have to care about such social conventions. So I don’t know what to do with this either.
So You Know What: Screw You!
While I wrestle with all these things, trying to sort them out and digest them, I am told by that first and last date, (which is also one of the reasons why it’s a last date) that I have “white girl problems” and they’re not really problems. Apparently, not being able to pay rent and getting evicted is a real problem. Being told I have no class is not. Well, you know what, here is what I have to say to all guys who think that way: Guess what! I did have those problems YOU consider real! I fought hard and smart to make them go away very quickly! I am glad that all I have left are “white girl problems.” So all I want to say to that is: Screw you! I fought very hard to only have “white girl problems” and guess what: They’re REAL problems to ME! (Because guess what – I’m a white girl!) And I am trying hard to make them go away, as well. If you want to get stuck in bigger problems, that’s your choice. To me, my current problems are big enough and I honestly don’t care if you don’t think so. If you can’t accept those problems as problems, then I am not made for you in the first place. I’ll surround myself with people who do understand.
Which goes back to my problem of caring too much what other people say and think about me. I’m working on that, too.
So that’s the gist. That’s why you haven’t heard too much from me. I had to quietly take all of this in for a while. And now it’s all out there in a nutshell. Maybe I’ll try to elaborate more because writing this down actually was quite purging.